Is Prayer Offensive? Well, It All Depends…

“Do you find prayer offensive?” This was the question posed on the facebook page of a number of different friends over the past few weeks. While I’m not sure where or why this meme started it’s a question that seems to be asked in many ways, and seemed worthy of a reply. But as simple a question as it should be, I had to think about it for a while before I had an answer I felt comfortable with.

First all all I’d say that not all “offers” of prayer are equal. There are a number of “types” of prayer and a number of ways that prayer can be “offered”, and to answer any question. And each of these variations may or may not be offensive in it’s own right. So let’s go through some of the the many different ways prayers can be offered.

I’d like to start with one of the types of prayer that I personally do not find offensive. The first of these would be when somebody prays that god will heal the sick or injured or whoever it is in some type of actual need (I use the word actual here to separate from “spiritual” need which I will get to below). This is generally done with the best of intentions; and as long as it is not done IN PLACE of real action, while I personally may find it pointless, I tend to take it as intended, which is that the person praying honestly wants what is best for somebody else.

However if somebody does this type of prayer INSTEAD of giving money or time or in some way taking action, then I find it not to be just an example “good intentions”, but an example of willful inaction. I know that some people will argue this does not happen and is a straw-man argument; however I also know from personal experience with people in my own family that is most certainly DOES happen. I know people who instead of donating their time or money to causes like the relief efforts for the Haiti Earthquake, claim that “only god can help”, and pray for god to help instead. In this case I would argue that this “prayer” is not only highly offensive, but worthy of scorn.

The next type of prayer I’d like to discuss is the general type of essentially “I’ll pray for your soul”. If not done in response to an argument or debate, I generally think these are well meaning (although misguided), and not always meant to be offensive. But whether the intent was no knowingly be offensive or not, it often times can come across that way. In a recent conversation I had with a believer; Patty, she made the following comment:

I guess I could compare my religion to having a wonderful meal, a fantastic book, or maybe a lottery win. You want to share it with those you care about.
So, I feel especially bad about Brock. I’m his fam and his friend, and (I’m smiling here) no matter what he thinks, I can still pray for him. And I will for you too!

While this does come across as a bit condescending (Patty in this case has the belief that she knows what is best for both Brock and me and despite knowing that we disagree with her views she makes a point of letting us know she will pray for us). It’s one thing if she said nothing and chose to pray on her own. But the fact that she has to let people KNOW that she is going to pray for them, even knowing those people find prayer to be at best pointless, comes across as condescending and a bit offensive. I don’t care that she wants to pray for me, but I do find it rude that she feels the need to tell me that she is going to pray for me knowing my views on prayer. And the exclamation mark at the end, is certainly trying to emphasize her view of superiority (i.e. I’m going to pray for you and you can’t stop me).

Where the intent can be more clear cut is in the next type of prayer, that being when at the end of an argument or debate somebody says “I’ll pray for you”. In this case it is usually clear that the intention to a type of insult (the insult being that you can’t understand “the truth” without the help of god and therefor the christian feels the need to tell you that they will take it upon them self to “fix” you).This is often said as their final comment before walking away from the discussion, and carries with it the that they have given up on civil discourse and instead are resorting to an appeal to their magical sky-daddy / bogeyman as a way to avoid further conversation. I find this type of “prayer” to be as offensive as it is intended.

The next type of prayer is when people pray for the death of somebody they disagree with. For an example of this type of prayer I’d invite you to check out an old post of mine on the subject. If somebody actually believes that prayers are answered, i find this not only offensive, but a criminal act. If I believe I have a loaded gun and I fire it at you, it’s attempted murder even if the gun is unloaded. In this case if somebody has a true belief that prayers are answered, and prays for the death of a person, it seems clear that the same laws should apply regardless of the effectiveness (or lack there of) of prayer.

The last three points I’d like to bring up are all related, and although they are not “types” of prayer, they are locations of prayer taking place, they can also be offensive. The first is when people insist that the government (which was founded as a secular one) support their specific religion by showing preference to it. This preference is often seen in the form of those pushing to have the 10 commandments displayed in government buildings, prayer at the beginning of government meetings, etc. Not only is this disrespectful to those of other faiths (and no faith) it is a direct violation of the First  Amendment of the Constitution.

Often times people will pray before a meal or other occasions at home. The final two locations that can make a difference are if somebody chooses to pray at their home vs my home. I have many friends who have some type of religious belief. When at the home of one of them, if they choose to pray I will typically not join in the prayer, but I will respectfully remain in silence while they do their thing. I do this not because I believe, but because it is their home and they can do what they wish in their own home. It’s not my place to impose rules on what other people can do in their own home. And I except, no demand, this same respect in my own home. Many years ago my father visited me and stayed in my house for a week. The first night we sat down for dinner he lifted his hands up and attempted to get everybody at the table to hold hands. I informed him that is not how things are done at my house and he seemed to ignore my words. I finally had to ask him to leave the table and go into another room if he wished to pray on his own, but that in my house he had no right to dictate what I or anybody else does. I found his conduct highly offensive, and intentionally offensive not because of the prayer itself, but the insistence upon pushing it on me in my own home.

So, is prayer offensive? At the end of the day I think it’s clear that it often depends not only on the specifics of the prayer itself, but the location, the intent, and the type of prayer we are discussing.